To have a clear understanding of both sexes' needs, we must gain insight into one area that hardly ever gets its due attention: Gender Perceptions.
Gender Perceptions in relationships can be grouped into two broad categories: women's relationship perception of men and men's relationship perception of women, with each group further subdivided into three categories.
Women's relationship perception of men-
Every woman who is or has been in any kind of romantic relationship perceives three categories of men: the Stereotypical Man, the Utopian Man, and the Woman's Man.
The Stereotypical Man
Remarks such as 'Men are liars and cheats who can never be trusted'; 'All men are the same'; or 'Men are only after one thing: sex' emanate from the minds of women who hold extremely cynical views of men. Women guilty of portraying men in this light don't do so in isolation. The majority have experienced a series of failed relationships, either personally or vicariously through other women's narratives. Their reality has been a string of ugly experiences: heartbreak, infidelity, emotional trauma, and abuse. Though sad and unfortunate, the harsh truth remains that when it comes to relationships, this category of women sees only the worst in men. For them, starting afresh or opening a new chapter in perception is almost impossible.
The woman will forever remain wary of the man viewed as the Stereotypical Man, no matter his genuine good intentions towards her, because she has plenty of baggage from past disappointments to dispose of prior to possessing the right frame of open-mindedness which is required to give the next man a fair chance. So if a man expresses his interest in a woman, employing the right romantic protocol, and still isn't making headway, he needs to understand the woman's relationship perception of him. Otherwise, his efforts will be no different from attempting to fill up hole-riddled containers with water. The misconceived notion of all men being the same, or interested only in sex, that is perpetuated by women who perceive men purely on a stereotypical basis, will be addressed later.
The Utopian Man
Where some women see the worst in men, others head in the opposite direction, believing they can get all the best qualities rolled into one. Most needs in romantic relationships are encapsulated in three categories: physical, emotional, and material. A man who flawlessly possesses or offers all three of these qualities in equal measure to a woman could be seen as too idealistic; hence the term 'utopian'.
The Utopian Man can be pictured as a man with the deep pockets of Mr Bills, the physical attributes and sexual prowess of Mr Skills and the sensitivity of Mr Romeo (see Statement 2). These three qualities, albeit in varying degrees, are essential for modern-day relationships to thrive - that is, for the material, physical, and emotional needs to be fulfilled. These days, however, searching for the Utopian Man- one man with all three qualities in equal measure - is no different from the historical search for the Holy Grail (4); though it may exist, not one
soul today could openly lay claim to having it tucked away somewhere - be it in a closet or a vault. In the same vein is a woman's quest for the Utopian Man.
So for the most part, women with this relationship perception of men more often than not experience a case of high expectations and dashed hopes. The smart ones cut their losses, becoming more realistic and choosing to focus on the man's strongest points whilst supporting, accepting, and living with his weaknesses. The woman, on the other hand, who cannot embrace the fact that one man cannot possibly fulfil all three needs in equal measure may then resort to the oldest trick in the book: simultaneous relationships with three men, each of whom has one of the desired qualities, resulting in what I call the ultimate 'love quadrangle', never mind triangle (see my comments about Sharon in Statement 2).
(4) Described in Christian Mythology as the cup used by Jesus Christ at the last supper with his disciples.
Some women might repudiate the argument that one man cannot embrace all three qualities with the claim, 'My man should fulfill all my needs'. In answer to that, there can be but one response: Sorry, not by a long shot.
Women who are realistic have a scale of preference for their needs. They know which area needs fulfilment the most and which the least on their list of priorities. It could be basic financial needs, because she doesn't want to lie awake all night wondering, 'Will the kids' school fees, mortgage (or rent), and the electric bill be paid this month?' It could be her emotional needs, which are fulfilled by the man with the listening ear, or the emotionally attentive partner.
And sometimes simple questions from the man such as, 'Honey how has your day been?' or 'What happened at work today?' could prove the ultimate difference between her sharing a bed with him that night or restricting him to the living room couch. Women who harbour realistic expectations in their relationship perception of men long for, or see, what I call The Woman's Man quality in men.
The Woman's Man
The Woman's Man is that man a woman perceives as having his flaws, knows his weaknesses, and doesn't try to hide the fact that he is no superman. He identifies his woman's most pressing need and makes the fulfilment of that need his main area of emphasis. He appreciates her worth, raises her spirits when she is down, and takes charge in awkward situations. He is the quintessential 'Mr Solutions', who may not have all the answers to his woman's questions, but has a 'let me try to figure this out' mentality. So whenever we hear a woman singing her man's praises, telling the world how priceless he is to her - because he gives her 'everything' - it is the relationship perception of a woman who recognises the Woman's Man in her life. The term 'everything', however, rather than taken literally, should be viewed subjectively as the main quality she deems the most important in her world. Needless to say, for that woman, what matters to her the most, her man can deliver - and that man in question is none other than the Woman's Man.
Men's relationship perception of women
If you thought for one second that we would leave out men's perception of women, think again. (I can just imagine some male readers pulling their seats closer at this point; as if to say, 'Yes, this is my favourite part!')
In romantic circles, just as women interpret men according to their perceptions, men generally perceive three kinds of women in the course of their love lives: Ms Right-Now, Ms Right, and The Godmother.
Ms Right-Now
The most trivial, but by no means insignificant, category is the Ms Right-Now woman. She is the kind of woman the man perceives as sexually and physically appealing before he gives her personality and intelligence the slightest consideration. His perception is lent credence by the first line of Elvis Presley's hit song, 'A little less conversation, a little more action please...'.Without mincing words, in a world where every man sees a Ms Right-Now kind of woman, lust more than anything else is the name of the game. And if the concerned mother of such a man, living in a 'Right-Now' only kind of world, summons the courage to ask her son when or if he intends to settle down, she might prompt a response along the lines of, 'Sure, Mom, I settle down with a nice girl every night, and I'm free again in the morning'.(5)
(5) A response made popular by Joe Pesci's character, Tommy DeVito, during an exchange with his mother in the Hollywood gangster classic, Goodfellas (Warner Brothers Studios, 1990).
In a world characterised by emotions-free, no-strings, no-baggage relationships, the men who swear by this sort of lifestyle see the Ms Right-Now phenomenon as simply second to none.
Ms Right
Every man seeking true love and affection needs a real woman to cater to those needs, a pillar of support, and a true friend and companion, who sincerely has his genuine interest at heart. That woman is none other than Ms Right.
Ms Right is the men's version of the Woman's Man. We have heard the timeless aphorism, 'Every successful man has a woman behind him'. And just as some women seek that special man who can fulfil that special need, some men have gone through (or are still going through) life looking for Ms Right- mind you, even kissing several ugly frogs along the way. While some have been successful, others - the not-so-lucky ones- still see Ms Right as nothing but a figment of the imagination.
Setting the records straight, being Ms Right isn't an indication of perfection, because just like the rest of us, she has her flaws. However, what makes her stand out from the pack is that she represents the first and last pieces in a man's jigsaw puzzle of seeking true love, and genuine happiness when it comes to romantic relationships.
The Godmother
The Godmother, for any man who has experienced the luxury of her affection or the misery of her fury, is truly one of a kind: an 'Untouchable'. If behind every successful man is Ms Right, side by side with a man's success or failure is the Godmother. One thing is certain; she is definitely a unique breed of woman. And whatever kind of relationship or arrangement she has with the man who perceives her as such usually turns out to be mutually beneficial. She is the Godmother because like Karma itself she wields some sort of power that can make or break any man's career in relation to his actions or behaviours. Like an adult at a children's party, she is physically present, monitoring events, yet rendering herself invisible, choosing not to steal the limelight. Needless to say, she often operates in a behind-the-scenes fashion in the fortunes or misfortunes of that particular man. She needs to be loved, cherished, and respected for him to relish her positive influence in his life. Like everything else in life, the typical Godmother has a price which varies from woman to woman. For some, it might be the occasional or constant attention, and for others, just tender loving care and affection. Either way, something usually has to give.
Call her a 'mother figure' or even 'guardian angel', the Godmother tends to indulge the man in her life. She's always looking to make that man's success her main priority - and that, of course, is when she is kept happy. She ranges from the prominent and powerful in society to the everyday woman. The Godmother could hold a position as a top executive in Silicon Valley, or she could be flipping burgers in a fast-food restaurant in an inner city neighbourhood. Whatever the case, even though they are poles apart, these two classes of Godmothers undoubtedly share one trait: in as much as they can elevate a man's status, they can also be instrumental in his downfall when rubbed the wrong way.
A few friends of mine who read the initial drafts of my theories on the Godmother erroneously alluded to her as 'Sugar Mummy' - a euphemism for a woman who buys sexual favours, mostly from younger men, which, strictly speaking, couldn't be any wider of the mark. The Godmother does not need to be affluent or less well off, because her essence is simply to protect the man's interest, albeit in a more covert fashion in comparison with Ms Right. And when the tempest of life is raging, she navigates him safely to shore. For those men who still find themselves puzzled about who she really is, she is that woman who has her man in mind not only when her phone or credit card bill arrives through the post, or her hair needs 'retouching', and a visit to the hair salon is long overdue - in other words, an SOS call for money. Selflessly, she also tends to give her man a call every now and again to see if he is okay, and not because a 'special request' is in the offing. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the Godmother.
As for the group of men who, like me, who have had the Godmother experience at some point in their lives, attesting to the above descriptions wouldn't be much of a problem.
In relation to Gender Perceptions, it is worth noting that no man or woman in the course of his or her entire love life has a static relationship perception of the other sex. With new experiences, exposure, education, and further enlightenment, our inherent perceptions tend to change over time. Like the pendulum of a clock, our perception of each other swings back and forth until we reach a state of nirvana, that phase in our lives when inner peace and happiness dominate. Nonetheless, it would be naive to dismiss the fact that some people, both men and women, never do.
The Stereotypical Man of today, in the eyes of one woman, could be the Woman's Man of tomorrow in the eyes of another. Likewise, Ms Right-Now of tomorrow, for one man, may turn out to be another man's Ms Right.
The overall message is this: prior to men and women understanding each other's genuine needs in relationships, it is essential that they understand or identify their individual relationship perception of the other sex through open communication and research. The perception we all harbour, though sometimes warranted and other times unfounded, remains a key factor in the unlocking of romantic doors.
JL Shash
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