Life-Marriage - What Kills a Marriage and How Can You Change It?

There is one thing that can truly destroy your life/marriage and that is when you lose those "feelings" of love. Many times when couples file for divorce, the reason cited is "I just don't love my spouse anymore." So what can you do to stop that from happening? Better yet, what can you do to fix it if you already find yourself in that situation? The best thing you can do is to start acting lovingly towards your partner. Does this sound completely crazy? If so, think of it this way: Love is not a feeling, it is an action.
In his book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People", Stephen Covey addresses just this thing. If you don't feel in love or affectionate towards your spouse, then simply try being loving and affectionate towards them. You will be amazed at the results. You see, the truth is that feelings generally follow actions, not vice versa. It is a highly effective solution to:
1. Keeping love alive 2. Rekindling feelings you thought were gone.
If you don't believe me, try it for 30 days and see what happens. By try it, I mean give it your all, your 100% effort, weather you want to or not. Test the theory. You will be happy you did.
One of the side effects you will see is not only that your own loving feelings are returning, but also you are helping to ignite the same feelings in your spouse. If you are not the one trying to end the marriage, by loving your spouse, you will be helping to pull them back around towards saving the relationship.
Acting lovingly means many things, but here are a few great things to start with:
1. Respond in kind ways, without sarcasm, anger, yelling or disrespect in any way. Simply put, be polite and nice in the words and tone of voice you use. This could be a drastic change if you and your spouse are at the stage of making snide or disrespectful, off hand comments to each other. This will be noticed immediately.
2. Regularly compliment and verbally show your appreciation to your partner. It is easy to point out the negative, so instead, focus on seeing the good, and then share it with them.
3. Listen to your spouse. Focus on them wholeheartedly, will your full attention and really hear what they have to say without formulating your response while they are talking. To go even further, engage them in conversations about themselves. Ask open ended questions and listen. Remember when you first met? This is something you did quite easily, and enjoyed. Bring back that aspect of your relationship, you will be glad you did.
You won't be able to change your feelings by pure force of will, but you can change your behavior. You and only you are responsible for the things you do, say and the way you act. The good news is that often times, changing your behavior is all it takes to bring your feelings around in you, and most likely your spouse as well. Try it...what have you got to lose?

Tina Lovell