Step 1. Change Your Focus
No matter how much self-development work you've done, your primary relationship is the final frontier (whether it's a love partnership, parent or child relationship). Everyone plays out their most ingrained patterns and behaviors in their relationships. I've heard self-development teachers complaining bitterly about their partners - we all do it.
The most important thing to realize is that: 99.9% of any problems in your relationship are because of your focus. Yes that's right - if you understand that your focus creates your reality, you will change the dynamics of your relationship for the better and forever.
Let's take an example: Lucy is a forty year old mother, who has been married for 15 years. She loves her husband, but she can't help but notice all the things that don't get done. Every time her husband cleans the house, he leaves things half done; he does the yard work, but leaves tools out in the rain; somehow things are never quite right. Lucy loves her kids, but she's driven crazy by the way they're always breaking stuff, the squabbling, the endless cleaning up. If you asked her, Lucy would say she was pretty happy with her life, but inside she's simmering and frustrated by what to do about all the little things that make her crazy. She's grouchy with the kids and especially fed up with her partner, who seems to be constantly trying to annoy her. Her feelings of resentment and frustration often boil over in outbreaks of temper and criticism.
Lucy's main focus is on all everything that is wrong in her life. We all do it sometime. How often do you say "You did blah blah", "You said blah blah blah". You, you, you.
So what to do about it?
- Notice how you feel: if you're feeling grouchy ask yourself "What am I focused on?"
- Notice what you're thinking: focusing on the behavior of others and judging it will result in realities you may not like.
- Change your focus.
- Go to Step 2.
Your thoughts are just that - they're yours. They are not an accurate reflection of reality. They indicate your underlying beliefs.
Your feelings are the same - they exist inside you. They do not reflect reality as it truly is.
Take Lucy for example. Her thoughts and feelings tell her that others make her life difficult and frustrating, that she is unable to change her circumstances, that her partner constantly lets her down. She feels terrible about it all.
What those thoughts and feelings are really telling her, is what her underlying beliefs are. Lucy believes that she is powerless, that men will let her down and that life is a struggle - all beliefs formed during her childhood that she continues to give power too, usually without realising it.
Take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings. When relations with your partner are going haywire or even slightly bent:
- Ask yourself: What am I thinking?
- Ask yourself: What emotions am I experiencing?
- Ask yourself: What underlying belief do these thoughts and feelings reflect?
- Accept that your thoughts, feelings and underlying beliefs belong to you and do not reflect the reality of the moment you are in.
- Do nothing about it. Just let the thoughts, feelings and beliefs be there. Don't act on them, don't judge them. Just let them be.
- Go to step 3.
It's very simple. Just ask yourself "What Else is Possible?" There's no need to answer the question. In fact, don't bother answering, you will only limit yourself to what YOU think is possible.
Ask the question and then allow yourself to rest in the unknown. You will immediately be outside those thoughts and feelings that were plaguing you.
Step 4. Ask Yourself - What Would I Love?
Just do it. Ask yourself "What would I love right now?".
You have the answer. It could be anything. Maybe you'd love to go for a bike ride, maybe you'd love to watch a movie, maybe you'd love to touch your partner lovingly, perhaps you'd love to go and be creative. Just ask the question. You are now focused on what you would love.
By the way, if you're thinking "Right now I'd love to turn my partner into road kill" - that's NOT what you'd truly love. It's what you think that you want. No thinking.
What you truly love makes you go "mmmmm, I'd LOVE that." What you truly love brings feelings of peace and wholeness when you think of it because it comes from the heart, from your higher self.
If you ask yourself "What would I truly love?" the answer will be there for you and it will never involve attacking your partner in any way - with words or otherwise. Sometimes, however, you may find that what you would truly love is to walk away from your present relationship. You have the answers within you.
Step 5. Take Action Towards What You Would Love
If what you would love is to go for a bike ride, go for a bike ride, no matter how absurd it seems at the time.
If what you would love is to give your partner a cuddle, go and give them one, no matter what your thoughts and feelings are telling you or how awkward you feel.
When you act in favor of what you love, you are taking responsibility for the reality you are creating. The more you do it, the more loving, enjoyable and fulfilling your relationship will become.
So, in summary, to create a blissful relationship:
- Change your focus - your focus creates your reality.
- Take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings. Ask yourself: What am I thinking? What am I feeling? What underlying beliefs do these thoughts and feelings reflect?
- Ask yourself: What else is possible? Don't answer, just hang out in the infinity of possibility.
- Ask yourself: What would I love right now? What would I truly love?
- Take action towards what you would love. Just do it.
- Create and adjust. Each time you follow the 5 steps, you will learn something about yourself - it's a wonderful and enlightening process and can radically change your life.
- Just do it. Don't wait till tomorrow or next week. Just do it now.
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