The hidden secret of great love relationships

We cherish love stories because they show us that it is possible to be perfectly loved. All around us people talk about romance, soul-mates and endless love...while being in normal, safe but dull relationships. Is this a collective dream?
What are we all looking for in the dream relationship?
Beyond all the conscious reasons we say in public: "he really supports me," "she is caring and attentive," "we have so much fun together," is one hidden factor very difficult to put into words, or acknowledge.
As we all go through life developing into the full beings we need to be, there are some unfulfilled aspects left undone while we were growing up. Some childhood needs such as being accepted by our parents, being respected or fully appreciated were missing. Parents can be very busy, very unsuited to the task of parenting or simply lost in their own needs to recognize their children's vital needs and those reactions leave a very deep mark. Other times, parents are really abusive and inflict untold humiliation and verbal abuse on their children.
So, why do we need the great relationship for?
Because in our imagination, we are now selecting the person who will exactly heal us from childhood needs and emotional wounds, and make us, finally, whole persons. This ideal person will give us the acceptance, adoration and care we need to complete the task of growing up. This is the hidden request, the one we don't express, and don't ask for but expect and wait for.
How come this person I have selected myself as to be my adoring partner shows the same cold disinterest as I received from my father?
He has been chosen precisely because I saw in him the potential to give me enough adoration as to compensate old needs and make me whole! If we can begin to think of the other as our partner in this adventure, the first task is to know: what does he needs from me that he never received from his parents?
What was unjustly denied to her as a girl, that now I can provide?
People can tell different reasons for breaking up, but never accept the bitter disappointment that breaking up this invisible promise produces. It is a reality that sometimes we pick up, select and marry people who will treat us the same way our parents treated us, so perpetuating the abuse cycle.
Ignoring our own unconscious choices, we now feel that hope is lost, that we are back in the untenable situation of our childhood, with rejection and without any support or love...with the difference that now, we can't even dream with a better future, because the future is here and this person is utterly disappointing us in this level....Now, the marriage is at its lower point and heading for disaster.
Whatever the quality of our marriage, we keep waiting for the ideal person who can make us whole by accepting and loving us complete, as we are. Our parents loved us conditionally, trying to make us the people they expected, not what we were then.
Now, if there is deep disappointment with our present partner, there is always the dream to ask us to look beyond the marriage barriers, to any other who can fulfill the hidden promise. So we either get lovers, or get divorces and thus begin all the cycle again. Common marriages not addressing this hidden need can be relationships that qualify only as "pretty good."
But what creates a really great relationship?
A great, possible great relationship begins with making this hidden contract visible. If she was emotionally abused as a girl, the promise is: "I will never abuse you, and even more, I will give you enough support as to make you trust again." If he was an unappreciated boy, the promise is: "I will make you feel uniquely valued and appreciated in what you are, so you can have back a healthy self-esteem."
When we say to each other: I Love You Just the Way You Are it better include this point: "I love the hurt child inside you, because he/she is a beautiful child deserving all my love, and I promise not to abuse, hurt, diminish or make fun of this child, but to support him and make her grow." If we think that we can help each other "just forget the past," and begin a new life together now, we are playing with fire.
Both partners and their inner children need to be embraced, loved and healed by constant attention. Do you know what the best gift is? Give your beloved something connected with the stories she told you about being a child and wishing or needing something that was never provided, and give it to him.
The number one secret of a great relationship is accepting our partner EXACTLY as they are. We are wrong to try to change him, but is even worst to ignore the same inner part of our loved person we promised to accept and nurture. To create a great relationship, say and mean, "I love you as you are now, and I love also the child you are inside." No denial of this hidden needy aspect, no further rejection of his wishes as immature or childish. Give your attention to this lovely child, show compassion and tenderness and wait; the complete human being that you need to grow into is coming, and also is his adult person flourishing by the attention.
The ultimate marriage covenant is to help each other's self esteem to grow, healing past emotional abuse and walking together to more adult situations, which can't be reached if we don't heal the inner child before. If we ignore each other's needs, failing to provide support in this shared growth towards adulthood, we are cheating the promise of marriage, and behaving as careless and rejecting as our own parents were with us in the past.
If you are serious about loving and accepting your partner as she or he is, please, include their personal story in the program and accept that now, you are each other's healer of past wounds. This is your key to make each other happy.

Nora Femenia